Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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