Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
