mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
