well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
