i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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