So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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