i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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