Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
