This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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