I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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