Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
