Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
