I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
