I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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