God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
