We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
