remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
