my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
