I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
