If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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