Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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