I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
