First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
