Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The air taste purple.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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