TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
