God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
