Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
