Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
