Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Less talking, more tequila
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
