My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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