I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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