I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
