I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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