So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
