Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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