took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
