Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
