You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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