I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
