Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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