I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
