I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
