i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
