Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
