The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I pour the whiskey from now on
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
