Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
