do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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