I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
