i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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