Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
